Black ops
posted 2 June 06 by J.S. Vodalarius
Today, children, as I return from my long laziness hiatus, we will discuss a subject near and dear to my heart: sloths.
Sloths are awesome.
You see, the way I look at it is that sloths look just like Robin Williams, only with slightly less hair and significantly fewer fingers and toes. If sloths could talk, they would talk like him, too – at high speed, with many different voices. This is to make up for how slowly they move otherwise. In fact, they may already talk like this, but their voices are pitched too low or high for us to hear.
Sloths are also awesome because they give birth upside down, and because sometimes they fall out of trees, not through mishap or malice, but because they just can’t be bothered to hang on to the branches tight enough.
When (and this is not if, but when), anyway, when I take over the world, my army will be very large, and one division of it will be an elite black ops composed entirely of sloths. They will parachute behind enemy lines, and then they will become enraged. Enraged sloths would just be a hoot. They will be backed up by drop bears, angry hippos, and the special Tibetan division, Yak Ops.
I will also train a squirrel to assassinate people, because nobody expects to be taken down by a squirrel with a dart gun. Except a friend of mine, but that’s because he’s crazy.
Sloths rock.